Wednesday, 25 December 2013

To All You Wonderful People At Christmas

 These illustrations suggest four general maxims[...].
The first is: remember that your motives are not always as altruistic as they seem to yourself.
The second is: don't over-estimate your own merits.
The third is: don't expect others to take as much interest in you as you do yourself.
And the fourth is: don't imagine that most people give enough thought to you to have any special desire to persecute you.
―Bertrand Russell

  Last year I wrote on who cares whether it is Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. I thought I was pretty nice about it. Tried to explain in a bipartisan way that either were good. I didn't see many "Put the Merry or Christ back into Christmas", but this year I have seen a slew of them and all I could think is, you miserable tossers. Do you have nothing better to do than keep up this inane argument? Is it that important to you? Do you know while you are searching for these picture quotes from raving lunatic sites(pot meet kettle) your children are stealing $20 off of you to donate to an atheist site that gives to lest fortunate people here and abroad? More than you have or ever will. Though you wail about it with your "Likes" and "Shares". They are also becoming tolerant of different religions and races. Maybe even dating them. They are starting to hate Christmas(the secret hate behind it) as much as you hate the Eastern Indian couple that took over the gas station or convenience store just down the street. Don't say you are tolerant just because  you've actually talked to one of these people. Thinking of them as "one of these people" isn't very nice.

  Let's get down to the basic. Christmas. Celebrated on December 25 of every year since....when? Hmmm? I guess it has been since the Christians have tried to ride on the Pagans rituals.. Roman pagans first introduced the holiday of Saturnalia(we all watched The Big Bang Theory) the holiday ended on December 25 with a human sacrifice. A scapegoat for the week long debauchery of lawlessness. I guess the Christians wanted to put an end to the sacrifice(Uh-huh) or maybe they wanted to grab off of the popularity of the event with the birth of their Savior. They begun this in the 4th century AD. So when you Post "Put the Christ back into Christmas it was our first" You are wrong. It was never yours first. It was the Pagans first. You stole it from them. And what a wonderful time it was. The birth of your Savoir was the death of the Torah and to say that Judaism is also dead. Nothing like celebrating someones birth which lead to killing of Jews. Screw them right? It was yours first. All right keep it.

  Maybe you can argue that the new testament is different than that. Your savior changed all that. Well, let's see what he said. 
Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or
the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.
                                                           -Mathew 5:17

 That basically says that what is written in the past is also good. So, All the crazy stuff of God telling Abraham to kill his son Isaac and the fun God and Lucifer have with Job and all that nice stuff is still alright. Go ahead. Try it today. See how far you get.

  What does it really matter? Merry Christmas? Happy Christmas? Happy Holidays? It has transformed into a pleasant greeting at the darkest time of the year. The World is much smaller and together now. Where people of different races and religion are living together peacefully(at least in the western world).  Is that horrible? Is that worth using all of your contemptible energy for? For someone to wish you a safe and happy holidays? Those pricks! Maybe we should deport them or better yet smite them as your ancient tomb teaches you and your demigod(which may or may not have existed) confirms is still law. Or do you pick and choose which law to obey? Try that with the real law. Why don't you use that hate against smiting children starving or the practice of female circumcision? Go to Plan Canada or The Salvation Army Where the energy of your hate of changing some words will go to good use.

There seems to be a saying going around lately of, "first world problems" and this seems to be one.Try to go outside of yourself and listen. "We want Merry Christmas not Happy Holidays" or the what not. Now go ahead and tell this problem to a starving child. Go ahead. Be as bold and as brazen as your posts. March right up and say it. Go and tell that poor girl who has just been circumcised, mutilated and whine over a saying! Tell her how your God wants it that way! How that same God didn't protect her, but would love to see you happy over a (explicative deleted) saying! Whatever keeps YOU warm and snugly at night!

  I say Merry Christmas. I like the saying and I grew up with it. So, I will say it, but if it makes you happy I will continue saying it.

  Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy the season of unreason.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.                                                                         ―Euripides

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.                                                             - George Carlin

Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.                     ―Oscar Wilde

 We keep on being told that religion, whatever its imperfections, at least instills morality. On every side, there is conclusive evidence that the contrary is the case and that faith causes people to be more mean, more selfish, and perhaps above all, more stupid.”
―Christopher Hitchens

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Facebook Terrorists

  Do this or else. You better do this or the world will come down upon you. If you don't do as I ask there will be hell to pay. I have it on good knowledge that something will go horribly wrong if you don't do this. Ah, threats. We have all received threats. How did they make you feel? The pit of your stomach rise a bit? Pupils dilate?  Does it stimulate your Hypothalamus , the part of the brain responsible for balancing stress and relaxed states?  Is it alerted of danger and sends a signal to your adrenal glands which activates the sympathetic system?  Has adrenaline and noradrenaline been released by the adrenal medulla which has raised your heart rate,  increased respiration,, slowed down digestion, allowed blood to flow more easily, carrying more oxygen and energy to your muscles and your nervous system has sent signals to your muscles to contract? Threats also lead to anger, even by the recipients of said threats.

  These threats seem harmless, but they are based on fiction, magic and superstition(I guess I really said the same thing three times). Facebook posts churned out by the hundreds it seems. By sites and people that think they are doing good or believe that this woo works. I haven't looked in to where these silly quotes come from because I really don't want to be angry all the time and to think that all these people can be so stupid. How can you post these things without really reading it or thinking.

  One says: Say this slow "God I love you and I need you." Now if you meant it Repost & a miracle will happen tonight. Ignore and all will go Wrong. Hmm? There is several things wrong  with this. First off, God? When is the last time this genie has granted you a wish?  If everything is ok in your life wouldn't a wish be a little greedy. I have wished that all pain and suffering to children stop several times, but that hasn't come true yet. 0 for 1. Then the threat. All will go wrong if you ignore it.  What is this?  What kind of person creates this, especially that you have to repost this? Is God a Moderator on Facebook(I hope that doesn't catch,  it  is pretty novel)? Could I get away with a like threat?  "Make a wish that God will make you famous and rich where you will ignore all the people less fortunate than you with the money you will be making for doing nothing. Repost this and you get your wish. If you ignore I will come to your house and will bust all your teeth and fingers and make you pick up your teeth. Have a good day!"

  Some go on tirades about being a good parent and such and share if you are. What if  I am not? What if  I have given my kids candy before they have went to bed or have gotten them to open back doors into liquor stores because they don't have their fingerprints in a database yet? In doing all this I have shared the post. I guess the Armageddon horns will sound......Hmmm? Nothing yet.

  Other ones go on about this burned child or kid with cancer and share or repost this image. NO! (explicative deleted) YOU! Most people know about such things because they watch the news or know someone or have experienced this first hand. Why would I repost this so people can see this image. Is it going to help the poor child? Does it say please donate to this cancer research or this hospital? No! It wasn't even created for knowledge that said stuff was happening. It was probably created to get more hits on a website ergo more revenue. That sounds altruistic. And I love it when they have God attached to it in some way. Like, pray and repost to save this child. Why didn't God do that in the first place? Does He(It) hate your child or just you? Would you save this child if you had  magic powers? I am sure you know that answer. Now we know who'd be and be a better God.

  Don't threaten me. You don't know who I am. You don't know what I am thinking or why I didn't repost your crazy post. Why should I? You are just a scamming hack in the guise that you are doing or portraying some good with your charlatan quotes and posts. You are pouncing on the weak and poor people who can't see through your wicked ways. Maybe you just don't know the evil you are doing, but I think the ones penning the original post know what they are doing. 

 Any man who is a man may not, in honor, submit to threats or violence. But many men who are not cowards are simply unprepared for the fact of human savagery,

 Jeff Cooper

Sunday, 8 September 2013

The Karma Unicorn

 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
-Carl Sagan

 Some of you may believe in Karma. Where some mystical force tries to balance everything out. Tries to set straight all the evil in the universe with some good. It catches up with this evil person and effects them in a negative way to right what wrong they have done to you, thus saving the day....The universe doesn't care. Why should it? It isn't alive in the sense that we are alive. It doesn't have a conscience. We are part of the universe so how come all or just one of us  doesn't have sway in what happens all over the cosmos? Like, I want a meteor to hit a certain evil country because they do bad things? Or maybe it is all the Suns in the galaxy that control our lives. Well, yes, but not in the Karma sense. They are just nuclear furnaces. How the hell do they control anything other than heat and some gravity? There must be something.....or maybe it is nothing at all. Like, I said the universe does not care about you. Just like Time doesn't. You can't ask Time to take revenge on someone or get you an A in Math or get you a girlfriend. No, Time just does what it always does, trudge along. Never stopping. Just bulling its way through everything.

Karma is a supposed mystical force that guides everything according to my wildly flippant view on Hindu mysticism. Created(or dreamed up) thousands of years ago other religions also believe in it. Like, Buddhists and Taoists to name a few. It employs the thought of cause and effect. If you do something bad something bad will happen to you...later on...maybe...if a God finds it fit. Uh, okay. Something will always happen to you later. If I break a window in the barn and my mom finds out later. She will chase me around the kitchen and living room  in a circle with a ruler and catch me. Or I never get caught(didn't happen). Or I die later on in life. Which, I guess would be Karma catching up to me. Bullocks! It was fine(I guess) to believe in this thousands of years ago or hell just over one hundred, but now, today? We are supposed to have a better understanding of the universe now, more scientific. Back then the sun rose, it was magic. If you didn't know the answer it was god or leprechauns. Use some critical thinking.

I have noticed some people posting things online to the effect: She got what she deserved. Karma, baby. That is a rather vengeful thought. Sure that person did something horrible to you, but vengeance isn't a very nice thing either. In taking glee at someone else s misfortune, though they did you wrong, isn't that inciting the Karma machine to enact against you? Or it doesn't work that way?  You are exempt from that? How? Is there a little loophole? It is fine to happen to you, but not me? And what about all the other times your Karma buddy didn't help you out? Did you post those? Someone cut me off, but they didn't die in a horrible crash. Damn them! They can get away with murder!

  There is no mystical force guiding the universe. Sorry to speak in hyperbole(I guess no irrefutable evidence yet). If you believe in Karma than why not Unicorns or Santa, the Easter Bunny, aliens that have visited only a select few, 90% of all conspiracy theories? Most of these were childhood beliefs that you have abandoned. They were fun at the time, but we all grow up...some of us anyways(not me). Now if you excuse me I have to post on Facebook that Santa got his by being impaled by a unicorn for not getting me a Sega Genesis when I was a kid. Karma, baby!

 Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein  

Thursday, 1 August 2013

That Sounds About Right...?

  The doctor emerges from the operating room, face grim. Your stomach rises into your throat. You know what this is going to be. Looking down at your arm in a sling. You think, this isn't bad for being in a five car pile-up from someone running a red light. The doctor now stands before you. He starts to tell you that your son has lost a lot of blood and will need to have a transfusion. Of whole blood? You ask. Yes, He needs a lot of blood now to replace all the blood he has lost. Being a Jehovah's Witness you know that you cannot let anyone take transfusions of whole blood, just fractions. If you were a Christian Scientist you wouldn't of been in the hospital. You would rely on praying to a God to magically heal your son. The same God that could of prevented this accident from happening but didn't. But being a Witness you have to settle for letting your son's brain  stop receiving oxygen because there is no more blood to pump to it. Sounds about right.

  Two factions fight over a city. A Holy city. One Christian the other Muslim. Both lay claim that it belongs to them. Their God has decreed it so(which both worship the same God). Several times there have been Crusades. Men would come down from Europe and battle the Muslims over Jerusalem. Thousands died, cities razed. Woman raped and killed. Children slaughtered. All for what? It  wasn't very tactful for the Europeans. It wasn't rich in crops. No Muslim assassin killed a king. What possible reason could there be to needlessly kill so many people? Religion. Don't fool yourself. It is still going on today. Sounds about right.

  Muslims. This will be blunt and quick. Their views are archaic. They treat woman as not even second class citizens. They are barely allowed to go to school. No high ranking jobs. They are treated like servants.Sounds about right.

  Your young daughter lies in bed wheezing and coughing drowning in her own fluids from whooping cough. You made the right decision in not getting her vaccinated, right? At least she didn't develop Autism. Instead she gets her life cut short drowning. And you will never see her smile or enjoy her curiosity again. Just because some whack thinks(with no scientific proof) that vaccinations cause Autism. Thousands of people have been duped by these idiots just to have their children die of preventable diseases. Do you think mothers in third world countries would turn down this marvel of science that would save their child just because it "might"(which it doesn't) cause Autism? They thought the mercury in some vaccines caused Autism. So, scientists tested it and even took it out. It didn't cause it, but they still removed it from the vaccines. What did the anti-vaccers do? Did they put their hands up and say, Okay. You tested it and proved that it didn't so let's focus on something else that may cause Autism. Like any good Sceptic would do when science proves something. Nope they just said it was something else and then something else and so on. All the while science kept testing and saying no, it's not that or that. I myself couldn't bare to stand by and watch any of my children die like that. What kind of people are these? They must enjoy having children die needlessly. That sounds about right.

  Now if you agree with any of these then say it out loud. Say it in a crowded room or elevator. Say, I will not save my son or daughter by an easy mean. I will just let them die. Say, I think this person should die because they are different from me. Say, my daughter shouldn't go to school and I should and then her husband should rule her like a king. She must obey me no matter the cost. I wonder if you would be looked askance? Would those people look at you like you were mentally ill? That sounds about right.

A supernatural being who performs a miracle while idly standing by in the presence of so much suffering in the course of history would be guilty of gross negligence, failing to meet obligations of moral stewardship, and failing to fulfill a duty to rescue. It would be reasonable to conclude that such a being is evil.

 -Matt McCormick

Saturday, 20 July 2013

A Well Deserved Letter

  One person in my life I should thank for putting up with me and dealing with all the grief I give her. Though I have never had hair brained schemes, but I have had my....moments. Like this one time I thought that I had my iPod stolen. So, I went into my iCloud  account to look for it under the app find my iPod( I love you, Apple). As it loads it is bringing up my street and address. Hmm? I think that maybe it's locating Megan's iPhone. Nope, it's tracking my iPod. Quickly looking around I get a boost of adrenalin. Whoever has stolen it is in my house. What a big pair of balls this person has to return to my house with my Device. Ha! He will think he has a  drop on me. Springing up from my chair I head towards the kitchen to grab a weapon. As I do I see my iPod on the living room bureau. When did the thief get by me to put it there?

  Megan puts up with a lot of things I do. Like, when I obsess over things of get into an expensive little fad like hockey cards. That one was...interesting. Now it is plants, but at least she is into that. Over the winter and my birthday she bought me a mini green house. So I decided to plant over 200 seeds. Did we have enough room in the garden for the plants? No, but not all of them will grow and we can give some of them away. I have got her into gardening and weeding(which she abhors). She even picks the plants and I ask her where she wants them. She is a little prune and destruction happy, but it is a small price to pay for her interest in what I like to do....for now.

  She makes meals for me(and the kids). And what meals! She is a brilliant cook! If you don't thinks so, I weighed 200lbs when we met and now I weigh 235lbs and I rarely eat any take-away. Why would I when I have great food made for me at home and someone who makes such delightful noises when I pinch her. It is a form of gratitude for the wonderful job, though she is pushy on the fruits. Like when she puts grapes in my mouth whilst I am "napping" on the couch. If she is up when I leave and am heading out the door she will ask if I want her to make me a lunch? Late as usual I will say "no", then say, "wait" and finally, "yes". What is 5 more minutes for a delicious sandwich?

  She is a wonderful mother. She corrects and loves both of my children no matter how hard I try to corrupt them. Like when I say "What the.." in hope that Reagan will finish the sentence with a "hell?" I get a "Jeremy!" and a very stern look. Once I was told not to give Reagan any marshmallows(alone) out of the Lucky Charms cereal. Megan was in another room and I dug through the cereal box and gave Reagan some marshmallows. The last one I gave her she ran and said, "Look, Mummy. Daddy gave me this." and presented her the marshmallow. I swore under my breath and called her a little rat. I quickly hid around the corner, but I was caught. I won't bore you with the details of my terrific escape from death, but pose a question: Why can't I feed my children loads of sugar?

  Now it takes a lot to put up with someone that is so hardheaded and little and....Hmmm? Wait, that seems like it is for a different story. Okay, I've got it now. Now it takes a lot to put up with someone who is a closet sociopath. She is only around 5 feet tall, but she walks about 6'5" and 250lbs. I should know I have been in that path. She is stubborn, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She keeps me honest(a bit). She is passionate about everything that interests her and I am fortunate that I interest her.

I love you, Megan

She's been lookin' like a queen in a sailor's dream
And she don't always say what she really means

-Gordon Lightfoot



Sunday, 2 June 2013

A Worthless Apology

  January 1, 1984. I was almost 8 years old. It was in the morning and we were watching Team Canada get defeated by Team U.S.S.R when the phone rang(never a good thing in a story). I am not sure who it was, but my Mom burst into tears and my Sister and I soon found out that my Grandfather, Howard Magee had died. My Sister and I also started to cry. I am not sure where my dad was at the time, but I am sure he was doing the same. Maybe this is why I have so little interest in New Years, but that is probably not why I have the big indifference with New Years Eve. So what? It's just a new year, just like every other day. Just an excuse for drunks to drink. Look! The sun rose.! Let's drink!

  My grand parents on my Dad's side had 9 children. 9!? There was Bud(who passed away last year), Jane(the only girl!) John, Boyd, Richard(died years ago), Peter(also passed away years ago), Hughie,, Kirk(my Dad), and Brant. I could imagine the trouble all those boys would get into. I mean Reagan gets into enough for 3 boys on her own. I was in the the back yard working in the garden and I would glance back the odd time to see what Reagan was up to. I could just see a little bit of her. She was picking up seed packets and shaking them. Oh. they make a lovely sound. I start watering again, thinking,  I hope she doesn't figure out those are easy to get into and spill out. I look back to check on her again and she is firing the packets halfway across the deck.. Good. Fortunately I do have some stories of the Magee boys.

  Should I tell the one where Hughie wrestled the broom from grandma or how some of my uncles would play cowboys and Indians for keeps or maybe when Peter thought he was Batman? I think I will keep it short with two little stories. My dad(Kirk) had a bow and arrow set when he was young and what is one of the greatest things to do with projectiles? Yup, fire it into the air as soon as you got out the front door.  "Puinn" straight into the air and over the barn. My dad went toddling off around the barn in search of the arrow. Rounding the corner he saw that grandpa was sharpening the mover blade. He cautiously looked around in the long grass inching closer to grandpa. Pausing for a second and pointing with the file to a spot ten feet from him grandpa asked, "is that yours?" There the arrow was. Nothing else was said. Dad collected the arrow and ran off. Probably to do something safer. Like jumping off the veranda roof with a bed sheet as a parachute.

  Growing up on a farm, especially in the 50's and/or 60's isn't a charmed life. Like waking up in the morning with snow at the foot of your bed. You didn't always get the newest trends in clothes or even get to sleep in your own bed. You had to share, but they had fun doing it. My uncles Richard, John and Peter were screwing around in bed and my grandfather had given them a couple of warnings to settle down and go to sleep. They didn't and my grandpa came upstairs with a long piece of wood to quiet them down. When he opened the door to their room they ducked under the covers thinking that would save them. Grandpa stood there waiting. Then one head in the middle started to poke up out of the sheets and "crack" right on the forehead. Then the head squirmed back down. Grandpa kept standing there waiting. Once again the head in the middle started to move on up, maybe just to check to see if their father was gone. Grandpa cracked the head again and down it went to the safety of the covers. Apparently, the head in the middle  was my uncle Richard and he wasn't trying to get out from under the covers. John and Peter were on either side on him and pushed him up to get hit on the head, but he found strength to force his way back down.

  I was very young when grandpa was alive.  I remember getting the odd $2 bill from him and thought that was wonderful, but it was nothing compared to when he would show me a $50 bill. I apparently loved it. Even if I was shone a $100 I would say, but that's not a fifty. I would sit on the cook stove door and call grandpa over to sit beside me. "Come sit here, grandpa." Which was only about 8 inch square. My grandfather got cancer when I was...I am not sure how old. They removed his nose and gave him a prosthetic one. The cancer has spread though. In the fall of 1983 it had gotten worse and he was confined to a bed. My parents took my sister and I over to the farm to see him. Amanda(my sister) went up to him and spoke to him. I didn't. I was too scared. I refused to go up and talk to him. I could imagine how that made him feel. Your grandson wouldn't talk to you on your death bed. I have always regretted it. Every once in awhile I will remember what a terrible child I was never saying goodbye to someone that loved me. Sorry. He was still the same man he always was. When it creeps into my mind from time to time it overwhelms me with grief. I will never get to see him again. I will never get to beg for his forgiveness for being horrible.. Sorry.  It feels like....I am at a loss for words. I cannot describe it. A hopelessness maybe. Never will I see or hear him again and it rips my heart asunder every time I think of it, Sorry.  I will never get forgiveness for that. I don't deserve forgiveness for it.  Sorry. I am so sorry.....

Death leaves a wound no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

- anonymous 



Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Look At That I Am Perfect

  Billions and billions of years ago(actually around 4.5 billion years) this chunk of rock we live on was formed. Composed of an atmosphere of mainly hydrogen and helium and a rocky surface full of volcanic activity. It wasn't suited for life. But being the perfect distance away from the sun. It was primed to hold life. As the hydrogen and helium left our atmosphere(being too light to stay bound to our gravity), rocks in the crust of the earth began to release oxygen and other gasses trapped in them, As the Sun shined upon the Earth and through the water it gave life to tiny bacteria underneath the water. Bacteria that is the ancestor to all plants on the face of the planet. That bacteria evolved and spread out from the water onto land and then further into land. Evolving further to develop roots which in turn formed soil. Then to follow flowers and fruits. A perfect beginning.

  Different bacteria formed to develop into creatures, after the perfect energy source(plants and fruits) were formed. Along with the perfect gas, oxygen. Some of these creatures moved out of the oceans and evolved on land. They were the were the ancestors of the dinosaurs, birds, fish, insects and last the mammals. The perfect conditions had to take place for this to happen. Monkey's had to evolve and slowly change to what we are today. The sun had to be the right distance away. There had to be food to sustain life. There had to be oxygen for us to breathe. This all had to be perfect for us to even have a fighting chance to start.

  You may think your body is imperfect. Like, I am too fat or I am short. Those maybe true, but inside is the epitome of perfection. You are a complex individual. Yes, even your mind , but . no one cares about your feelings in this tirade. Let's start with the oxygen you need to take in. Okay,.into the lungs it goes. You have two for optimal performance, but you can get by on one. Albeit  not that greatly, The oxygen is transferred to your blood stream and back to your heart to be transported to all of your organs. The heart never stops(whilst you live). It beats and pumps like a perfectly tuned watch. Speeding and slowing as is needed without an external source programming it to do so. There is a myth that we only use 10% of our brain. Think about that. The brain consumes around 20% or our bodies resources. That is quite wasteful just to use 10% of your brain. It runs everything in your body through neurons, nerves and other chemical impulses. It tells your legs to move, your eyes to look, to grow, love and many other things. It even does such wondrous things as paralyze you and forces you to watch vivid images that sometimes fool you in believing what you see is real even with your eyes shut. Ah dreaming. No, unfortunately you use 100% of your brain. Perfection.  You have organs that filter poisons and release chemicals to convert sugars and even release them when you need it. Two eyes for depth perception and peripheral vision and two ears for balance and hearing sound from every angle. A fighting chance to be perfect in our perfect world.

  I know I have taken an optimistic view on the world. I know there is death pain and suffrage, There is crime and evil people and floods, earthquakes and other turmoil in the world, but it is easy to do that. It is easy to be cynical and note all the horrible things. It is hard to be to say all the good things. It is hard to be perfect. The world and all life on it wasn't easy to happen.We weren't all of the sudden here. That is too easy Species of all kinds struggled and lived and died even today they aren't making it. Several lanes of evolution dead ended and what you see today is what we have. In thousands of years maybe there will be something different. Again it will be something perfect.

Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.”
Lawrence Krauss

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

I'm A Hero, Megan

“Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero to me. ”
-Fred Rogers

Day Three

  I go to bed around !:30 and at 2:30 Reagan is crying . I give her 5 minutes to settle down and then I go in, just because of her being sick last night. I enter her room to find her standing. So, I pick her up and take her to my room and lay her down beside me. After kicking me for 10 minutes she settled down and went to sleep. The next thing I know it's 6:30 and she is awake. Damn. I forgot to take her back to her room. I am screwed. Now she is trying to get off the bed! What is she doing? It's dark not tint to party. I grab her and haul her back onto bed. After a restless half an hour of being kicked and punched we finally get up. Yah! We eat breakfast, which I never do, but because I have low blood sugar it looks like frosted mini wheats for Reagan and I. At eight I go upstairs to the bathroom. I can hear the cat thumping around and Reagan giggling. So she is either chasing Hank or being chased. Either one it sounds like great fun. Coming downstairs I notice that the carpet runner is upside down. I wonder how she did that? I went into the kitchen then the living room to put away the iPad before fixing the rug. On the way through the kitchen the floor was gritty and then on in to the living room. What? Oh, no. She was dragging the carpet between the front door and on into the living room. This is what made her laugh. the cat was chasing her anther carpet. Apparently 10 feet long by almost 2 feet wide carpets hold a lot of dirt and they are really easy to clean up when the cat lays down in the swept up piles.

  After sweeping up the dirt and chasing the cat with the broom, I took a break in the front room. Mothers know this well. You can't take a break without children sniffing out that weakness. So enter Reagan. " Daddy." Hmmm...? This must of been a mistake. 5 minutes later it was "Mommy."
"Nope. Daddy."
"Hi, Daddy." As if to say, oh, hi. When did you get here, Daddy.
I sighed and left the room.

  A couple of hours later she had found a new thing or things to play with. Rustling came from the pantry. It sounded like paper, dry paper. Investigating I discovered that she had found a bag of onions. She was taking them out of the bag and peeling some of the layers. In the time it took me to cross the kitchen to get the broom she had packed the onions up and was carrying then across the floor. Reagan has had a new obsession with carrying things around. Like iPad's and drinks people have left on the coffee table. As she was running little flakes were falling out and she noticed. "Mess! Mess!
"Yah, I know. I see it."
"Mess! Mess!" And she pointed at it.
"I see it! And besides you are the one creating the mess!" Seeing the mess cleaned up she took off. Probably to start some fires.

  While she napped I put some drywall anchors in and some hooks. By the way Keanan was there most of the time, but he is well behaved compared to the pay-attention-to-me-bot. Thank god Megan was home soon. I endured. They tried to make me go crazy, but I didn't. I'm a hero. I am definitely not afraid to fly that flag. A goddam hero! I was so exhausted. I don' t know how single moms do it. I reckon I have a new respect for them. Well, most of them anyways. The adventures will continue. What will happen next? Keanan gets a motorcycle? Megan has a new hat? Reagan builds a time machine and plagues the world throughout time? Who knows? That highway is ready. to travel.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

That Wall Is Showing Cracks

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.
Jacob August Riis

Day Two

6:16am. Keanan comes into my room and asks if he can go down and play on the PS3. I get up half groggy and say sure, then wait. I look at the time and wonder if he should go back to bed. Then I wonder what planet I am on. Keanan stands in the doorway waiting for my next reply. Ok. Go play. I fall back onto my pillow and issue a tiny prayer of, please let Reagan sleep for at least another hour.

6:39 I hear Reagan crying and stirring. Well, maybe if I leave her alone she'll go back to sleep. she keeps crying for 5 minutes. Fine. I will go in and get her and hopefully she will go back to sleep in my bed. I get up and stumble into her room and there is a horrible smell. She is huddled in the corner away from where she had thrown up. I pick her out of bed and stand her on the floor. "Mommy", "Daddy" I say as I unzip her pajamas. I pick her up and holder her to keep warm as we go to the bathroom so I can clean her up. Once clean I take her back to my bed and we lay down. "Mommy". "Nope I'm daddy." Neither of us go back to sleep, but I guess you could say we rested. I tried covering her, but she would just kick the blankets off. Fine. At about 7:30 she started to gag and cough. I leaned her over the bed, but she wouldn't puke. So, I took her towards the bathroom and she was sick on the way there. Not a lot. Cleaning her up I took her down stairs and dressed her leaving her with her brother. Back up stairs to clean up the mess and take the linens down to be washed. Great way to wake up. Is it not too bad now?

10:30. Coming in from a smoke Keanan cam up to me crying and holding out his hand. Apparently the new cat, Hanks was playing too rough and scratched Keanan. Reaching for the chef knife in the butchers block I asked him if he wanted me to cut of his hand to stop the pain. No, he said and laughed. As I put the knife away Reagan pointed at it and grunted. "no you can't have the knife." to which she replied, "Mommy" "No I am daddy and I will still not let you have the knife."

  Time. I am not sure, but it was before lunch. The runs started. 4 times before lunch I had to change her diaper along with every time I had to say, "No, daddy." Both children ate their lunches quietly. I tripped over a high chair and swore. Just before Reagan's nap I had to change her again. Keanan and I played football against each other. After I went up 17-0, he changed teams and played with me.

4:00....ish  Reagan had woken from her nap, "Mommy", "Daddy" I said. Keanan's mother shortly after picked him up and Miss Fuss and I were alone. Putting on the lasagna it was then off to Lowe's to get some drywall screws. Considering I haven't been able to find her other shoe in a day and a half Reagan had to ride with croc's on. It's nice out. At Lowe's we walked in and went to the cfl bulbs. While I was looking for soft white dimmable bulbs, Reagan was looking at carrying out cases of them. After we went to the hardware section and the screws. As I was looking and comparing Reagan was picking and dropping on the floor. When I was done she had crawled into the bottom shelf and was laughing and giving me the "devils smile" as I was on my hands and knees and could not reach her. She did come out when I asked her too. Knocking over everything in front of her as she came out. Clean up. Walking to the cash I picked up a Dewalt bit set as mine had gone missing. Reagan offered to carry it saying "heavy, heavy!" as she ran. Well, that was better than "Mommy." She enjoyed carrying out the other thing I bought then the other two things once they were put in a bag. I can't say what the two things are because they are a surprise for mommy. 

8:30?  Reagan to bed, now it is time to watch some playoff Packers and some Resident Evil 6 those buggers just deal with Zombies and 300lbs men chasing them down....lucky. soon to bed, hopefully until at least 7:30. Not so....babe...sure.


Saturday, 12 January 2013

It Won't Be So Bad

 Day One

 This weekend I have both the kids to myself. Megan is off to a hockey tournament in Huntsville. Keanan will just be asking a lot of questions and Reagan...well, Reagan is Reagan. I got off work early on Friday so I could drive Megan over to Kristen's  house so she could hitch a ride with a bunch of girls up to Huntsville. It was raining, but driving was still good, so that wasn't bad. We arrived at Kristen's and unloaded Meagan and her stuff, said our goodbyes and me and the kids were rolling back home. It's the weekend so I take Highway 2 home. A nice leisurely drive through Clarington to Oshawa. Nice and uneventful. The children are behaving.Just a lot of "Mommy" from the back. Not too bad. I unload Reagan and I notice Megan's purse in the back seat. Sigh. Taking out my phone I give her a call and off course she doesn't answer. Keanan Reagan and I enter the house. I was supposed to cook lasagna for dinner, but if I had to go back to Bomanville. Grabbing my iPod I search for Kristen number. Thank goodness for iTunes and Apple products all linked together.. First I phoned the land line. No answer. Then I phoned her cell. Kristen answered and I asked if they had left yet. When she said no, I asked to speak to Megan. Do you want your purse? I asked. She said yes. Then I said something nasty and said I was on my way then hung up. Great. a 15 minute extra drive with a child that could just be mad and scream all the way. Pocketing the iPod, I scooped up Reagan and told Keanan to come on let's go. I have put children's songs on my iPod to make the journeys in the van more pleasurable. Listening to childrens music all the while in the van is a small price to pay for your sanity of a non screaming child. Keanan is alright he will either fall asleep or read. At least the songs are catchy and all the while a little voice coming from the back, "Mommy". "I am daddy" says I. Not so bad.

  The drop off of the purse went quick. I was mad, but I would and will get over it. Back home I put the pizza in the oven and we ate dinner After dinner we watched TV and the Keanan and Reagan played mini hockey. I heard Keanan yell, "She's going to hit me!" I came out into the kitchen and he ran by me with Reagan in tow, stick raised over her head squealing. She would of hit him too and with great pleasure. As she ran by I plucked the stick from her hand and told her no hitting. She just toddled of into the from room. No skin off her back, she would wait patiently for another chance. Half an hour later I heard Keanan again screaming and giggling saying no, don't throw it. I walked into the hall and she had a ball cocked back with the devils smile on her face. Looking at me she said "Mommy". "Daddy" I corrected as I took the ball from her hand and spanked her away. 

  The rest of the night was uneventful. I put her pajamas on and read her a story. 
"No I'm daddy."
Laying her down for sleep I beat a hasty retreat out of her room, off with the lights and down the stairs. She fussed for about 15 to 20 minutes and then nothing. After my smoke I came into Keanan playing football on the PS3. I heard the announcer say safety and I laughed. He told me that he let them get a safety so they could play in overtime. There was 2 minutes left. What if they come down and score? Then I will go down and score. The raiders marched down the field and were ready to kick a field goal with 50 seconds left. Fortunately they missed. The Keanan came back up the field and I missed the field goal so it was on to overtime.We won it in overtime. Keanan isn't too good with the kicking so I do it. Keanan was put to bed then I put myself to bed at midnight. First night......not so bad.....

It was the noise Of ancient trees falling while all was still Before the storm, in the long interval Between the gathering clouds and that light breeze Which Germans call the Wind's bride.

Charles Godfrey Leland

Friday, 11 January 2013

The Top Ten...

  Nah. What do you need a "Top Ten" for? Is your life so abysmal that you need some hack to pump  out a top ten list? They never go anywhere. They have maybe three good points and the rest is filler. It should be a top three list, but who is going to read that? "That isn't a top anything list. We aren't going to listen to that guy. He can't even come up with ten ways why we should listen to him. Let's not listen to him. Who can tell us a top ten something? We need to be told what to do and put it in top ten form or we cannot understand it!" Ok. you asked for it.

The Top Ten Reasons Why You Are Stupid

10. Because you are. Let's face it if you need a top ten anything you are a creature of pop culture. Your brain has been annihilated. You can't do anything without the Television(TV) telling you what to do. You survive by what people tell you to do and feel. It is sickening really.

9. You drive stupidly. In my job I drive around all day. From subdivisions, main streets, and industrial sections I see it all. You don't signal and when you do, the right blinker is on and you turn left. You slow down when your talking on your cell phone. When you're in a parking lot you lose your mind. Driving 90 m/hr across all the spots, not watching for pedestrians and not parking within the lines.

8. You buy beer instead of food for your children

7. You pay too much attention to celebrities. Who cares where they have eaten or what jewelry they are wearing? They don't care about you. Most of the stuff they act in is crap anyways. How many impossible missions can there be? He survives every one. How "impossible" can it be? If we ignore them hopefully they will just go away.

6. Just because you have money and are famous doesn't mean you are right or we want to know your opinion. No vaccines do not cause autism. Drinking water from plastic bottles don't give you cancer. Who gave these people money and fame so that we have to listen to their crap? You are stupid for enabling them.

5. Just because these numbers are descending doesn't mean that any of them are more important then the other. I did not state at the beginning that one number is more important than the next. You figure it out. I can't do everything for you. Counting down is just cool.

4.  You don't have any kids.  Not the people that want kids, but can't have them for whatever reason. No, the people that are selfish and don't give your parents grandkids or cousins and the such. Who is going to come see you when you you are old and alone? You will be just alone. They are so cute when they are young and they love and need you. It  makes you feel wonderful to be loved and needed. Conversely, the ones that have too many kids and are neglected because you have too many or shouldn't have kids, I know it's trite, but close your legs. I have seen boxes of condoms in the dollar store. Use them.

3.  You whine that you are "the good guy" and that is why you don't have a girlfriend. No one cares. I am sure if you hear someone else complain about the same thing, you don't care. Good guys do get girls(though I think I am one of the dicks). Considering you probably aren't one of "the good guys" because you are lying about your feelings to the woman you desire. Good guys are not deceitful.

2.  I don't know. I think all my points are valid. There is no filler here. Ahhhh, good one you have got me there. Maybe there is hope for you yet. Hmmm? Probably not.

1.  If you have read any one of these reasons and have not understood any of them or think there is nothing wrong with doing any of them then you are Emperor Stupid.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

Nights Out When I was Younger.

 Youth. Full of vigor and know-it-all. Innocence and good spirits. Drunken mayhem. I reckon all of you have had your moments when it comes to alcohol. That weird first feeling you get when you approach drunkenness. The light head, the smile that easily appears on your face. The mischief you get up to. The horrible horrible mornings after of throbbing headaches. They are consoled though by nice greasy breakfasts filled with slow movements and lots of coffee. Just to start again Saturday night. There will be plenty of time to sleep it off on Sunday, but watch out if it is a long weekend, that Sunday gets pushed back to Monday. That's ok, though. The weekend is here Monday or Tuesday will look after and worry about that. Right now. It's time to go to the Pit or the Cottage, any bar, the Shack, the Party Barn, Let's get wasted.

  It was great to have somewhere to crash when you were up to no good. A bed to sleep in was even better. Melissa(Mike's girlfriend) had a cottage on pigeon lake near Bobcaygeon. For three summers in our teens it was like we lived there every weekend. At least that is how I remember it. We could arrive whenever. Usually on a Friday night, if not, Saturday for sure. We would sit around a fire and drink. Sit inside and drink. We all got along rather well so there wasn't fights or too many blow up. Just mayhem, especially if some one was sober enough to drive. Sober enough meant you didn't have anything to drink. The odd time we would walk. I am more apposed to this now then I was way back then. One night we walked a couple of miles to a golf course. The next day the cottage was adorned with two flags. One from the sixth hole and the other from the ninth hole. We also liked to go into town at two in the morning to get something to eat. The only place that was open was Tim Horton's . We would get sandwiches and coffee. Coffee was a good choice I think. What better way to end the night is to drink a stimulant so you can stay awake longer to drink? While ordering my food I would pull down the back of my pants so that only my friend and the people behind me could see. They would snicker at my bare ass. I don't know why it was so funny. Wait. Yes I do. Live bum is always funny.

We used to frequent bars a lot when we were young. We all lived in the country, so we had to drive a ways to hit the bars. This also meant that one of us had to stay sober. It was rarely me. This may sound odd, but at first we went to bars to dance. Yes dance. Of course we would drink too, but dancing was also a big part. There was something about hearing a great song at an almost ear splitting volume. It made you move your feet, with arms and body soon following, jumping up and down like a tribesmen. Then it moved to just drinking. I have gotten into a little trouble whilst drinking. No fights though. That was left to Steve and Mike. I have been thrown out of the same strip joint in Whitby twice. It was a hot summer Friday and we had just gotten off work. We went to the Lion and the Unicorn to eat and drink some sweet beverages. During my meal I downed two pitchers of ale. Smoking and finishing our drinks on the patio someone(probably me) suggested that we go to the Royle, the local strippers. All in agreement, we set off. Once in to this...interesting establishment we procured some more tasty beverages and sat right up front of the stage. We must of pissed off some of the strippers because we barely acknowledged their existence talking rather loudly. That is about all I could remember until one of my mates tapped me and said, "wake up, Jer. They're gonna throw you out." Apparently I had fallen asleep in the front row facing the stage. Sure enough one of the Bouncers came over and asked me to leave. The poor girl on the stage. No one was watching you. That had to damage her self esteem. Or maybe it was that I was asleep and couldn't buy anymore drinks. Whichever. I will save the other time I was kicked out for another time. Maybe when I can piece it together.

  Mainly it would be just silliness and a little petty theft. Silliness like, drinking at the Royal York in Lindsay. When we were leaving we were all hungry so we thought we would hit McDonald's. I wanted a Mcflurry. We sauntered in. When it was my turn in the queue I walked up and ordered a plain Mcflurry. Plain? A plain Mcflurry would consist of just vanilla ice cream. Why not just order a sundae? It would of been cheaper. So they gave me my plain Mcflurry. Probably thinking drunk idiot. Oh, they haven't seen anything yet. After receiving my Mcflurry I turned to my friends and other patrons and asked, "would Superman eat this?" Turning to the McDonald employees, "Would he?" Then spun, waltzed out of there not even looking back. On the way back to the van I thought it would be hilarious to climb the fence and shake it violently. My friends coaxed me down and we were on our way home. Superman wouldn't of eaten it because it just stayed in the cup holder all the way home.

  One night after drinking in a bar in Lindsay we went to the Country Style to drink some coffee and smoke. Mike and I were drinking at the bar while Steve stayed sober to ferry us around. In the donut shop Mike and I drank our coffee and talked up Steve that he was the drunkest of us all and we bragged that he was driving us all home. We left there and were off to the gas station. Steve fueled up and Mike and I went into the store to get some snacks. When we emerged from the store two cruisers had boxed Steve's car in and were administering him a breathalyser test. He passed. He had not touched a drop. The cops then turned to Mike and asked if he was driving. "no." Mike said as he slid into the passenger seat. "You?" they had pointed at me. "Nope." I said with a faint grin and climbed into the back seat. They let us go. We never thought anyone was going to phone the cops on us because we knew Steve wasn't drunk and well...we were drunk. So they phoned us in. Good for them and we laughed about it all the way home.

  I am not sure how to end this. These are definitely not all the stories or how many adventures we had. I guess i would have a whole book if I did that. Maybe more will come, when I remember them. I remember waking up with cracked ribs, but not too sure on how I got them. Some adventures were with or in cars and pissing off friends. Don't worry they are still friends today. Yah, that is enough for now.