Friday, 5 October 2012

Things You Shouldn't Do

 I have lived awhile. Thirty six years as of this post. I have learned a little in that time, not a whole lot. Some of the lessons have been good, bad and interesting.. I reckon  I still have a lot to learn. That is the fun thing: about learning. With out it what do you have Nothing? You might as well stop living if you stop learning. Maybe I have the formula for immortality: Always learn. It could look like this: 100%=L(S+Lf)\D+I. The only thing is I could never reach immortality with the stuff I have pulled. I will keep it clean and legal.

 Let's see. As a child and as an adult I have never broken a bone(so far), but I  have tried. At the age of around three(it's a long time ago I know this because I can say decades ago), I fell out of my childhood homes' front window as the house was being built. Not bad, six foot drop. Can't remember much, must have landed on my head. At about twelve, my sister and I were heading out the driveway on a bike ride when our handle bars locked. We kept going until we hit the ditch on the other side of the road. I went flying off my bike into the ditch. My chest impacted a stump about two inches in diameter then dragged across my chest. it was a perfect circle with a tail. It looked like a comet. M sister went unscathed. Punk. The winters were fun too. Behind the house there were hilly hayfields. Trudging back there with my GT Snowracer(a conveyer of ambulance rides if I ever knew one) and the four puppies our dog Belle had recently spawned. The snow wasn't that deep and it was packy, so very nice for sledding..At the back of the property was a good short tobogganing hill and just behind it was another hill full of bare hardwood trees. A good slalom coarse. Or so I had thought. Halfway up the hill I thought this would be a good spot to test out my slaloming skills. Halfway! I figured I would speed down twenty feet then turn about seventy degrees to the right and sail straight through to the other hill then down it. No problem. Fixing my gloves and toque I gripped the steering wheel. The puppies had just crested the hill. Ah, an audience to marvel at my GTing prowess, great. Lifting my boots from the snow and placing them on the skiies, I nudged myself forward. Twenty feet came fast. Before I knew it I was supposed to turn. If anyone out there has ever ridden a GT they would know how responsive the turning is. You need twenty five feet to turn. Realizing I wasn't going to make it around the corner I bailed. Not quick enough, genius. My right shin struck a tree. I don't know where the GT went. I spun my seventy degrees to the right and slid down the rest of the hill on my back, head facing down. Clutching my shin I groaned and rolled onto my side. Then something hit me in the other leg. Mmmm. There;s the GT. Writhing on my side in agony the puppies took their opportunity. They must have planned this coordinated attack. Running up from my legs to my head they swarmed me. Ripping off my toque before I could figure out what they were doing and then they were gone. Not like I could chase them in my state. I didn't find that toque until the spring thaw.

Another thing you shouldn't do is thinking your inflamed appendix is just bowel problems. It puts you through a lot of pain. So much that you lay in bed all day in the fetal position moaning. Then your mom has to drive you into the hospital and you walk into the emergency room doubled over. The first shot of moraphine after the coroner see's you(nice, right?) does nothing. The nurse that tries to put your IV in you has just graduated from Doctor Frankenstein's school of nursing. She finally got it in after a couple of minutes and a pint of blood later. Six hours later I was in surgery and six days later I went home. Fun experience,  glad I only have one appendix.

Little things add up too. No matter what anyone tells you,  you can't fly. Knives are accedingly sharp. Uttering the words" I can make it" is ill advised. Gambling isn't smart either unless it's poker or football. Don't love anything when you're drunk and single, unless it's bed. One more time at Russian roulette. Stepping into a manger to escape a bull can have some dire consequences, especially when "stepping into the manger" consists of just moving in front of him. Never leave a person in a wheelchair facing the wall at a party or anywhere else for that matter. You shouldn't leave the blind person you are leading alone at a party, facing a corner or talking to a bathroom door. When walking through fields and beside beaver ponds always stay on the path behind your father. Venturing five feet out onto the ice in an arc makes for a cold March bath. Scaring up cattle and getting them to chase and encircle you is fun, but...

 Just a few things you shouldn't do. Leaving out the drunken mayhem. Oh that mayhem It's been a fun thirty six years. Hopefully I don't learn anymore things I shouldn't do. Is that a double negative?Does that mean I should do? Whatever. What could go wrong?



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